i’ve been noticing in the speech of my beloved friends and dongsengs that this word “rape” gets thrown around alot.
“i raped that class”
“i raped that final”
“i raped that paper” or
“that last test raped me”
i don’t know how to explain how i feel when i hear you speak or read you write this way. i can only describe what this does to me.
when i read you write this way, i first close my eyes. i clinch my hands into tight fists. my insides are shaking with anger and disgust. and in that moment, i hate you. i hate you for saying that. i hate you for writing that.
i have to wait a minute or two for that rage, bitterness, and hate to pass. i heave deep breaths, count to 10, and repeat over and over in my head that no, i don’t hate you. i hate what you said, but not you. because you don’t know what you’re saying. it consumes a lot of my emotional and mental energy not to scream, go find you and slap you upside the head.
how do i make you understand what you’re saying?
the word rape is used to mean an unwanted sexual intercourse, usually forced by power and coercion—and it leaves its victims powerless and violated in their own skin. it happens to all kinds of people. both adults and children, men and women. and it happens more often than you think. it happens to people around you, people you speak to in class or people you see while you’re out shopping. it happens to people you pass on the street, people you see on the bus. it happens to the best of us. and God forbid it would happen to you.
now. i am not an idiot—i know what you mean to say. you overcame a challenge. you were victorious. and you want to celebrate your achievement. or you were seriously beaten. you seriously failed something. badly. unjustly. maybe even violently. i also understand the strong sentiment of your word choice. it was hard, but you did it. youowned it. you kicked its ass.
i get it. and as a lover of language and written words, i appreciate the art of conveying your heart and experience through the creative uses of language.
but you don’t get what this means, do you?
rape is not a word that should be diluted like this to show that you aced your test or wrote a great paper! it’s not a word you can throw around casually to say that particular class was really hard or that teacher/professor was unfair in their grading. it not only is offensive, but it’s a word that has a specific meaning and impact. it’s a word used by someone who has been violated and is in the most vulnerable state in their lives to speak of their experience, to be heard, and to get help.
and when you throw that word around like that, you are robbing them of their voice to speak out and get help. you’re adding your voice to oppress those victims who already have been violated.
it’s already hard enough. it’s already hard enough to recover after a violation like that, to accept yourself again in your skin. it’s already difficult enough to reach out to get help despite the enormous amount of shame and failiure that swallows you.
they don’t need you to add to their painful experience! they don’t need you to take away words to speak of their pain, their violation. they don’t need you to add yet another obstacle to an already difficult journey to healing and recovery.
as much as i recognize your right to freedom of speech and expression, as much as i appreciate your attempts to be creative or hip in your speech, i cannot just graze over your posts on facebook and tumblr. i can’t just ignore your post and un-subscribe or un-friend you. because it’s not enough to just close my eyes and pretend. and what you’re doing is bigger than you to let you be.
so do me a huge favor and THINK before you speak.
DON’T tell me you raped something. DON’T tell me you were raped by something or someone unless you mean it. i can’t sit still and watch you take away the little that we have to fight against this violence.
i won’t let you.
-from personal blog 2/10/2011
